One of the first things to realize is that – as in dating – there’s a courtship period. Just as you need to progress from “potentially fuckable” to “willing to date” to “in a relationship”, so to does it take time to move from “acquaintance”  to “friend”. And, just as with dating, the amount of time that it can take is incredibly variable. To pull examples from my personal life: on two separate occasions in the past year, I’ve made friends with folks that I’d been waiting in line with at various events and just started shooting the shit to pass the time. We went from “strangers” to “friends” in the span of an hour and change, plus a few trips to the bar.

Another good friend of mine – the guy who officiated at my wedding, actually – was a friendship that developed over a couple months. We met at a mutual friend’s party, then I ended up being a regular at the bar where he worked. When it was slow, we’d chat about movies, comics and assorted geekery. Eventually, he invited me to a party he was throwing and then later on, to guest on his podcast – and things just progressed from there.

The key to developing a friendship over time is patience and casual interaction. Being able to just have a low-key chat  at a party or killing time together when you’re both waiting for something does more for fostering a friendship than trying to push going out for beers right away. Those casual hang-outs have a cumulative effect; they allow you to get to know one another at a relaxed pace and give you both a chance to see whether the other person is cool or not and build the rapport that’s going to lead to friendship. It’s better to err on the side of taking more time to get to know somebody – and letting them get to know you – than to start making lunch plans and feeling let down when they can never seem to make it or just don’t reply at all. There’s less pressure and less of that gut-punch of loneliness when you’re able to play it cool.

In fact…