A LIFE WHICH IS NOT WORTH LIVING (Part 1)

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A room filled with silence, sun shine coming through the window , the teasing sound of wake up alarm and irritating horns of cars . Her day starts with all these things. A day she does not want to live at all. Its been sixteen years and ever day she wakes up with this thought that she does not want to live anymore. She has got no interest in being happy , she has lost the hope of finding happiness in any part of her life.

Every night she falls  asleep with a fear of waking up. This fear consumes her , her life and everything. She can feel the silence, the echo of sadness surrounding her. Everyday she wonders why this has been chosen as her fate , and not anybody else. Why only she has to face such sorrow in her life. Her expressions, reactions, smile seems to be some kind of mask. A mask which she has fixed on her face , which has locked her mouth. She is somehow forced to live , though she know's her life is meaningless and her existence makes no difference. She seems to be a robot who can move, think,smile,perform her daily functions but her soul does not exist anymore. 

This girl is ''Me''. I live my life in my self created hell. I never let my tear fell because if it will I will feel better. I prevent my self from being happy sometimes because I fear that I will miss those moments badly which will sink me more deeper in the feel of sadness and sorrow. I have tried thousand times to make this feeling vanish from my inside. 

I have starved myself and happiness is what I strive for. I don't get those things from life which usually other get. It offers me nothing and there is nothing for me to live for . I don't know why I am living this life when there is nothing for me in this world. No one gains even a bit from my presence. If I look back , I can see lots of people surrounding me who truly love me and my presence really matter's to them. My friends who has always been there and supported me, and my family members who do care for me. They all want to see me happy and thats  what makes me sink more deeper into my feeling of hopelessness.

 I have tried so hard to show everybody that I am actually happy. I wear a costume that makes me appear as if I am a perfect teenager with a perfect life. That costume makes other people feel that,  I feel my self lucky for being me, I am so happy and busy in enjoying the beauty of life . But nobody know's whats happening in my inside. My inside is screaming for help, for love , for happiness and most importantly for the reason to live . Sometimes I laugh not at others  but on my own self. My thoughts are never silenced, but the sadness has made me muted forever . There have been people in my life who I have loved so much . I have 2 brothers , who I envy and adore, whom I will love for eternity but they will never love me back. I could not prove myself as a good sister by not meeting up to their standards as a good sister. 

I don't have a sister but a friend , whom I love to no end . Without her my life is nothing. I see her when my eyes are not open, and she is always in my thoughts. She holds the power to make me happy. I wonder how anybody could hold so much power to another persons life.

-To be contineued



About the author

Tkhan

Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do…

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