The world isn’t like Einstein’s idea of reciprocity: The force you exert will return an equivalent opposite reaction. Or maybe I just didn’t focus when my Physics professor was telling us Laws of Motion, maybe I just didn’t get that lesson well. I don’t know. My mind’s been asking a lot.
I don’t know what went into my mind starting the day I turned back from everything just to please ‘one thing’. I didn’t realize I’m also turning back from myself until I got enough of rejections. But that doesn’t swerve my focus. Despite the knowledge and awareness of the past, present, and future painful compromises, my mind and my heart is so eager to pursue that ‘one thing’. Despite the looping hurt and disappointment, I just can’t give up. My feelings are like a gigantic train that nobody can’t stop, even pain.
I sometimes call myself martyr but my humble part of the brain keeps telling me “ssh”. I knowingly forget all my pleasures. I don’t care what that ‘one thing’ has turned me. Yes I am aware of the circumstances. I am aware that it’s wrong. I am aware of everything I need to be aware of. But I just can’t stop. My determination to please that ‘one thing’ is so powerful. It gives me happiness, strength, and reason to wake up each day. This is what I want.
Reciprocity isn’t just for me, I guess. But I know as long as I can, I will sacrifice. I will give. I will invest. I will be hurt. I will fight. My heart is dramatically broken but that can’t stop me. Sometimes I get tired but sorry, that also won’t stop me. Maybe I’ll start not to care about reciprocity anymore. I’ll just train myself to be expert of not asking to be loved back. To be expert of my improvised Law of Love. In love, there’s no reciprocity. No matter what you do, loving can’t be equal. Hearts don’t break even.