Last night, I slept with my window open. This morning, for the first time since February, I woke up to a brisk chill. I shuffled out of bed for a mug of hot tea, and snuggled back in to bed. Time is such a monster to us sometimes, but this morning felt like I could press pause for just a moment.

The past month has been a haze of heartbreak, travel, friendship, laughter, and tears. Lots of tears, both sad and happy. I have been lonely. I have been beyond fulfilled. I have been doubled over in laughter and stricken down by sadness. But I have been writing like a mad woman. I have been inspired by both pain and joy so I cannot be angry about the highs and lows. I must simply go with the pull of both when they want me.

Today, I was awake for an entire hour before he crossed my mind, and when he did, it stung less. I miss him. Dreadfully. In that crushing way that makes your insides tighten and curl. At this point, I wish and wonder if I could be his friend. But I’m too proud and too fearful to reach out. And I know if I found there was someone else in his life, it would cut like a knife. So I stay quiet and hidden. The more time and space there is between what we had, the more like a dream it feels. And you can’t be in love with a dream.

I pulled his number up twice last night, and then threw the phone across my bed in exasperation. I’m not ready.

The other things in my life are swelling with potential. My writing is published. This book of poetry is coming to fruition. I’m applying for writing jobs that have the potential to actually pay my bills. I have friends here now - a real group of people who understand me and are there for me. These people care about and believe in me. And I still have a family that would build bridges for me. They are my backbone, and I will always be proud of the people who built me.

I’m taking care of myself. I’m taking a break from a few vices and replacing them with better habits. I want to move forward. I want to be better. There were a lot of things I figured out about myself
after this last heartbreak. It felt like a wake up call or a call to action. I’m here to tell the universe I’m listening. I am ready.

Give me everything you got.