On A Night I Could Lose The One I Hold Dear

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Gotta clear some room, so I sweep sawdust to my palm and am careful to put on a show for my family when walkin to the fireplace. It's a skip and a twirl and a line from an ad lib song and 'I should be a lawyer,' but there's no peelin' me from this life. In this life, things are different, people are important, we care more about Mary in hospice. Pretty girls near Orthodox church and they both make sure to see me when I go scave'gin' pineco's, and that was a gloomy weekend morning and it's been a few weeks and by the love of God I'm back there and there's almost no distinction between then and Wednesday, with the exception of the cops on patrol and the yellow Chevy from the seventies and all I wanna do is get the stuff at the ninety-nine cent place and go home and not be afraid, if only for an hour; not a complete separation, but a separation in so many clean...

Moanin' yaks, but all quiet except for the skateboards and I wanna be young again and the grocer's is overwhelmin' with the scent of chocolate. Haitian woman sells me cigarettes, someone bumps, I recount and recant in an Italian restaurant in the mall. Along the edge of blon's brain, it's perfect; Capitulate corrosive editors, concern about a few bucks here or there. Insurance, service, liability, a perk havin givin chase. Give it a go, right now, I'm not actin and I'm not bored by world affairs and I screamed for Mrs. Senator and there was a Indian woman in Jersey and plans upended. Never valued time in appropriate measures, never played for coordinates. Lemon dunk, surcoat limoniad - not intentional, part of the journey - meadow.

'Doesn't take much to be discouraged,' I tell the commander with my foot on the great stone wedged in the dirt, 'and we're surrounded by negative energy. We turn it around. We look at the screen, not glued to it, doing something with it, with the whole idea; draw more, word o the day in June was: productive. Easy to score an outlook, a prerogative, don't be boring, don't be too fantastic, don't be too in people's faces, don't be too original cos then people'll be scary cos they're scared. Okay, so we've come here to do research on a Filipino horse champ. Lujan hires us to do things he ain't skilled at or doesn't have the time for: outsource it somewhere, money trickles back into the economy, only a few reap the benefits, the artists are left screamin, I almost make a bad mistake, but Steve says it doesn't matter cos I'm relayin to you a series of thoughts and observations and interactions gathered by a human bein and we get close to death. That reality, and we have an organic form of relief. There can be further tricklin' and HOPE for showin that we're still alive and carry on memories of minotaurs and mermaids and I'm swimmin with those that come a thousand times: red hair, lawyers.



About the author

ilana-hilensky

I'm a writer

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