Being deeply hurt was common to me. It had become a lifestyle. And so i got so well acquainted with pains all throughout my life. Life in general was often a struggle for me. It was always difficult to live around, so hard to even get by. Things would oftentimes turn out bad no matter what I do. And the God I knew of was seemed to be detached and uninvolved with my affairs. I used to wonder why HE was not acting like God according to my perception of what God should be. He didn't seem to be in control of my life. Worst of all, I thought God had favorites. I thought of him too as a weak God.
Little did I know that my "God has a complete knowledge and care of me.He knows everything I do; from far away he understands all my thoughts. He sees me...He knows all my actions.Even before I speak, he already knows what i say. He is all around me on every side. He protects me with his power.His knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding.."(psalm139:1-6). That suggests of me having a mighty God rather than of a weak God. But, my spiritually small mind could not comprehend it. Nevertheless, I persevered to know my big God whom I perceived as small and weak. And the good Lord ushered me to knowing and finding HIM through those agonizing times. He stood for his word that he won't leave me nor forsake me.
God's words hit my spirit further when I have understood the truth that He is my CREATOR. "hE created every part of me;HE put me together in my mother's womb....when my bones were being formed,he carefully put them together in my mother's womb;... when I was growing there in secret, he knew that I was there---he saw me before I was born.The days allotted to me had all been recorded in his BOOK, before any of them began."(psalm 139:13-16). Those words describe a God who has a full knowledge of his creation and of every circumstance there is in his life. It speaks of a God who is in full control of the person and the situation.
His enabling grace enabled me to trust Him and entrust my life to Him and him alone. His constant love being poured out to me everyday made me what I am right now and will ultimately make me what God wants me to be for he is not yet through with me. The molding of God's redeeming and saving hands upon my life is not yet over. But, because of His grace, I have come out from utter darkness that made me totally blind of who and what my God is. I have began to slowly experience the freedom of knowing my God. And it's beautiful! it's even more beautiful to see myself becoming the opposite of who and what I was before--- a tormented and defeated person, daily beaten by the wicked enemy because my faculties were never able to comprehend the God who made me. There are still many things to know of him by allowing myself to go even deeper in my relationship with Him through my daily walk with God.
But, one thing that amazes me in the wonders my God has done in me and through me is the display of his power in my life. It created me into a strong individual because his presence brought me into a position where I am standing in a firm foundation that no one and nothing can break. That's what happened when breakthroughs came---- I died and with my resurrection, I have been made new equipped with power that can defeat every power of darkness!!!
This brought me to the spirit of worship more and more for I have clearly understood that without the works of God in me, my life would have been as ugly and as painful as in the days past. "I remember the days gone by;I think about all that he has done,I bring to mind all his deeds.I lift up my hands to him in prayer;like dry ground my soul is thirsty of him",(psalm 143:5-6)my God!
When my breakthroughs came----- I have realized that my God operates according to his own time and not mine. In times of difficulties, I just have to be still before Him and know that he is God and as God he is in full control even if I see the worst in me and around me; he is working 24/7 even if the situations speak otherwise. He sees me and my ordeal.He listens. He helps. Not seeing an immediate relief from all that torment me does not mean God has abandoned me. It is just that he moves in his own time for his own purpose.
When breakthroughs came---life became a lot easier and manageable.God became more real to me. Hardships are still around but they don't seem to overcome me anymore. Joy unspeakable and heavenly peace that is beyond description become now a daily thing to experience. And when I fall at times, God's grace is there to quickly usher me back to his wings of protection. It is an entirely different world I have now because I have got an entirely different perception of my God.
When breakthroughs came--- I couldn't help but worship the Lord of hosts! And when I do, all the more his blessings will fall on me resulting to even more breakthroughs!