How I Found My Soulmate, Part 2: Appearance of Ken Soh (Someone I Knew Before)
This is part 2 of my love series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate (Ken Soh), and how to attract authentic love into your life. If you haven’t, read Part 1: My Journey in Love first.
An impending connection… a love that has always been in the books (Photo from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)
Early 2013: Jadedness and Emptiness
By early this year (2013), I was quite jaded with this whole process of dating, meeting someone, and then feeling disappointed when things didn’t turn out to be the way I wanted.
A Toxic Connection
One thing was that I was very badly burned by this one guy (let’s call him N) I met during my dating-immersion phase. While I initially thought he was a good match, he turned out to be toxic.
In the few months we knew each other, I was incredibly unhappy. Our connection started with me being misguided by his, at many times IMO, non-platonic behavior. He later apologized and clarified that he wasn’t looking to be romantically involved, something which I found incredulous due to his contradicting behavior but accepted nonetheless.
Subsequently we had many conflicts even as friends, with him often berating and putting me down, leaving me feeling very lousy about myself. At one point I thought maybe he was my nemesis because he exemplified everything I did not want to stand for — darkness, unhappiness, toxicity, and negativity.
Because N would repeatedly chastise me, I doubted myself a lot in the few months I knew him. The fact that a subconscious part of me felt unworthy as a woman (because I had never had much luck with love) didn’t help. Many times I mentally played out our conflicts to figure out how I could be a better friend to him, only for him to find new things to put me down me for. Even though I was bending over backwards to make him happy, N was still unhappy with me.
Finally, I had enough. I cut him away early this year because I couldn’t take his volatile andungrateful behavior anymore. I was surprised I even let this connection drag on so long because I would have never tolerated such behavior if it was from any other person. While this toxic connection was out of my life, I was back to being alone, by myself, after months of hope, unhappiness, and struggle.
Disappointment When Dates/Events Didn’t Turn Out the Way I Ideally Wanted
I also found myself disappointed each time I went on a date or socializing event but didn’t meet any potential match. I felt I had to constantly be my best and look my best, lest I missed out on a potential connection. I also felt that there had to be something wrong with me if I was meeting so many great people and going on dates but was not getting into a relationship (for whatever reason).
The fact that people — readers, friends, acquaintances, and even my sponsored date coach then — were anticipating me to get into a relationship didn’t help at all. Because I was so open about my Lunch Actually experience and wanting to date, people became very curious to see who I would attract. Many also subconsciously imposed their desire for a romantic relationship onto me. These factors silently pressurized me into finding someone noteworthy ASAP, because I didn’t want to feel like a failure for not being able to get into a relationship despite wanting to. (Not just any relationship of course but a conscious relationship with someone I like.)
Inside, I felt empty. Not with myself, but with the situation.
While some might call this “dating wear out” (where you get worn out after intensive dating), it wasn’t like that for me at all. My emptiness was because I felt misaligned with this notion of “getting out there” to find someone.
The thing was I had already realized years ago that I’m complete as a single. Many people’s obsession with dating today centers around being with someone to complete oneself. This wasn’t (and still isn’t) the case for me.
I wasn’t seeking someone to complete my life. As I had mentioned in part one, I was seeking someone because I was living a fantastic life as an individual and I felt ready to share my life with someone else, someone whom I felt would be a good match.
However, by deliberately seeking out someone, I was putting my life and subsequently my real self on hold. Because I was so busy going on dates, being a better date to others and wondering where I could meet like-minded people to increase chances of meeting my special someone, I had unwittingly put my personal self on hold.
I was losing myself to find someone, someone whom I didn’t even know and didn’t even know existed to begin with.
Revelation: Self Over “Finding” Love
This was when I realized, Regardless of how much I want to share my life and be with someone conscious, I should never alter my personal agenda in blind pursuit of love, because that would be repressing my real self to find something that isn’t supposed to define my life to begin with.
Even if I was to meet anyone using this self-altering approach, he would not be a good match anyway because I would have intentionally altered my path just to meet / be with him. This means that I would likely have to continue altering my path, change myself or worse still — repress myself just to make a relationship happen and/or keep it alive. This would defeat the point of a relationship — to be a more conscious and better person. Not to repress my true self.
If I want to be with someone who matches me, then I need to first live my life, do my thing, and just be me, I thought. If I meet compatible guys along the way, then that’s great and I’ll be happy to date and explore a relationship together and all. However if I don’t, then… so be it. I’ll still be perfectly happy because I’m already complete as a single.
This was when I literally decided that I am done looking for love. I thought, From now on, I’m going to just live my life and do my thing, partner or no partner. Even if I am to remain single forever, that will be fine too. Maybe romantic love isn’t in my path for this life, and I will meet someone special in my next life.
Whatever happens, I will always have my dreams, my life, and my purpose. These will never change and these are the things I’m going to do for the rest of my life, whether I’m in a relationship or not. These are the things that will always fulfill me in life.
With that, I went back to focusing on my personal path and living my life the way I would have if I wasn’t concerning myself with love/relationships.
(Note that here, it wasn’t a case of me thinking that I should just sit back and never do anything about love — rather, it was about me (1) living my life, and then (2) attracting love, dating, and seeking love as a natural extension of being me / living. Focusing on self first, then relationships, is the key essence here.