Does your life feel like a leaky house during a tropical downpour? When I lived in Mexico, there were times during the rainy season when my husband and I would open our eyes at night, hear the sounds of torrential rain outside, and leap out of our bed like it was on fire.
Towels would be stuffed under doors, we'd fortify the entrance path outside with home-made sandbags (Armando always got that job as it involved getting completely soaked before you could say "Ay caramba!"), buckets would go under fast-forming roof leaks, and finally we'd seal the windowsills with more towels if we had any left at that point.
My life has felt like that lately - a house under siege from a constant stream of outside forces. After the craziness of my book tour (which I loved), I was so exhausted that I became aggressively protective of my free time. I needed to rest, watch movies, and sleeplots, and nothing was allowed to interfere with that.
The rains began when I recovered my energy and started sending out signs to the world that I was back in action. An almost uncontrollable flow of social and professional requests have been pouring in underneath my doors and through my much-too-leaky roof ever since.
Every time I resolve to say "no" more often, requests come in that beg to be made exceptions. A stranger emails with a request for pro bono coaching that touches my heart. A friend asks for help with something I would enjoy helping her with. Someone who I like, but don't know very well (and would like to get to know), asks to set a date for lunch. An event planner wants me to donate a speech to a worthy cause.
Though I manage to maintain basic work-life balance and already say no to a lot, as my world and career expand I still somehow have less and less time for things that I wouldlove to have more time for: reading, journaling, dancing, playing, wandering along the water with my dog, having dinner with favorite friends, or just doing nothing. I need more time to myself, but am afraid of hurting others (and my own life) by saying no,no,no,no,no,no.
Enter Jenny Blake(link is external). I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I been this brilliant and wise in my 20s - she's a creative manager at Google, and has a top-ranked Gen Y blog, Life After College(link is external). The other day, we were talking about how serious this "can't-say-no" crisis is becoming in both of our lives. Something HAS to give, or we will!
Jenny shared with me a way that she has been attempting to evaluate potential bids for her time: Ask yourself whether it puts "shackles" on you, or is "soul-stirring".
The shackles concept first: this apparently comes from Steering By Starlight by the fabulous Martha Beck. Evaluate a request for your life energy/time by asking yourself if in saying yes, you feel that shackles latch onto you. For example, a request from someone who will make you feel guilty or talk badly about you if you say no, or someone who always makes you feel tense, would be a request wielding shackles. To say no would free you of those shackles (e.g. you'd feel measurably lighter, once you got through the guiltand fear around saying no).
A shackles-off request for your time would fill you with energy and a sense of freedom. For example if a friend who always makes me laugh and feel energized asks me to go out but doesn't mind at all if I can't make it this time, that would be a shackles-free request that I can genuinely say yes to if I really want to go.
If you think of any request in this light, it's surprising how quickly you can tell what kind it is. Essentially it comes down to "do I really want to, or don't I". This doesn't necessarily reflect on the person who is asking or the quality of the request. It might come from someone you adore, but if your jaw clenches at the thought of trying to squeeze yet another thing into your week, the shackles are on.
Now, "soul-stirring": this one Jenny got from Tim Gunn. If an offer or opportunity comes along that lights you up, making you feel like an excited child before Christmas at the mere thought of it, that signals a soul-stirring opportunity to which you need to pay special attention.
An example: Jenny, like me, has been struggling to downsize her commitments so she has more time for what counts most. That said, she has a dream project that she's fantasized about years - getting yoga teacher training. This would involve a significant investment of time and money, which may not logically make sense based on her already packed schedule.
Nonetheless, after we got off the phone she signed up for her dream teacher-training retreat. Why? Because when we talked about it, it was so clear that just imagining it (and describing it to me) made her jump up and down with glee and dizzy anticipation. That's soul-stirring. That, in my experience, is always worth doing, and making time for. Saying yes to something so delicious sprinkles gold dust over your entire life.
An email quote from Jenny after she signed up for the retreat:
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
I think that speaks for itself.
The next time a request for your time comes along, join us in applying this technique for evaluating the decision:
1) As you consider saying yes, does it feels like shackles would be put on you, or taken off, if you agree to find time for it in your life?
2) If it feels like you'd like to say yes, ask yourself if it's truly soul-stirring. If not, even though you might want to say yes you possibly should still put the opportunity back on the shelf. For every shackle-free yes that's not soul-stirring, you take up space that might block something soul-stirring from finding space later.
BTW: If you're a friend and you're reading this and I've recently said no to you, please don't take it personally, because chances are that I would LOVE to see you as soon as I can, but am simply trying to save my sanity and my health. Once I've got life under control again, you will be hearing from me : ).
Let's all raise a cheer for a shackle-free life!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
