Film classification is a mysterious art. It is practised by individuals who watch a surfeit of material likely to deprave or corrupt. No one admits to being a film classifier at parties. They don’t even have their own Facebook page. Yet I believe they probably compete with each other to write the most gross-out classification report. The prize is the Golden Tank Top. And for the gentlemen, well...
The Danish comedy KLOWN (KLOVN) written by and starring Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen must have been a challenge. It contains images that you would not see on terrestrial television. In America, I believe it was only released in that beacon of liberalism, Austin, Texas. Yet it has been classified for UK cinema release, out on 6 December 2013, with a DVD and VOD release scheduled in the spring of 2014. What did a film classifier make out of it? Well, I can only imagine...
Bummer! I got to write about a Danish comedy, KLOWN or KLOWN THE MOVIE. Based on a TV series no one has heard of. Where are my potato chips?
2 minutes: Titles and jaunty music: why is that guy dancing next to the screen? Oh, it’s Billy Chainsaw, host of the Bizarre Film Club previews. Dance on, my man! [NB: He won’t be at your screening, though may be open to bookings.]
6 minutes: This guy at a wedding, Frank (Frank Hvam) is a total loser. He has just found out his girlfriend, Mia (Mia Lyhne) is pregnant. Whaaat! Meanwhile his friend, Casper is planning a canoeing trip. Why canoeing? Because his girlfriend Iben (Iben Hjejle) hates it! It must be the equivalent of going out in a VW camper, tooling down the road. All you do is eat stale bread sandwiches and bitch about tree lines. I’m with Iben. I wonder if we can hook up on Facebook. Wait a minute, it’s a film released three years ago. She’s probably like moved on and stuff. Maybe she hates Aerosmith now.
10 minutes: Frank is at Book Club. He has not read A FAREWELL TO ARMS. Well, neither have I, comrade! His friends think he should give Mia a present. What about a pearl necklace? He hasn’t got that kind of money. No, a pearl necklace! You take your Johnson, get worked up and jizz spray around her neck. Girls love that stuff. Not girls I know. In fact, it is hard to see the appeal of it for anyone. So far the film is tipping a ‘15’ for a nod to that Robert Redford picture, JIZZAMIAH JOHNSON.
12 minutes: Frank admits he hasn’t read the book but won’t submit to a Beak Tweak. This involves the ritualistic tweaking of one’s nose. Hey, kids might like that. Maybe we can talk to the filmmakers into creating a ‘12A’ rated version.
14 minutes: Frank is forced to child mind his twelve year old nephew, Bo (Marcuz Jess Petersen), a kid who doesn’t say much. Frank isn’t into child minding. He is showing a reckless disregard for responsibility. That’s ‘PG’ stuff.
15 minutes: Frank attempts to give Mia a ‘pearl necklace’. Only it isn’t Mia in bed; it’s his mother-in-law. You’re either laughing or not giving the movie the time of day. Let’s open a second bag of chips, dude. A ’15’ certificate seems a shoo-in.
17 minutes: So Frank decides to take Bo canoeing. He effectively kidnaps him. Where are Bo’s parents? I’m totally confused. Paul Schrader said audiences would rather be confused than bored. I’m with him on that one. We’re back in ‘Parental Guidance’ territory.
18 minutes: Now Casper’s upset. ‘We’re not taking the kid.’ He wants to make it with the ladies. Frank alleges Mia insisted. Bo says nothing. Iben comes home. There is a scene in front of the cleaner. Time to go!
19 minutes: Two men and a boy are on the road. They drink from these tiny bottles of a branded liqueur. Maybe it’s like mini extra-strong cider. Irresponsible behaviour! At least they don’t offer some to the boy. Nevertheless, he is fascinated. If they collect 288 bottle tops they can get a car.
21 minutes: They go boating. Casper won’t wear a life jacket. More irresponsibility!
22 minutes: Frank tries to convince Bo that you can imagine exciting stuff on the riverbank as you pass by. Indians, man. Bo is persona non-plussed.
23 minutes: They check into a campsite. Girls, man. Casper knows where he wants to pitch his tent.
24 minutes: They stop off at an amusement park. Bo reports he has been teased by some boys for having a tiny Johnson. Frank talk to the boys who mocked Bo. They are, like, you can’t do nothing man. Frank walks away then runs back and pulls down the kid’s trousers. Then a man jumps him.
25 minutes: Frank and Bo have to leave the site but Casper is trying it on. They leave.
26 minutes: Casper comes running. We’ve got to go. They’re after me! Casper was guilty of inappropriate behaviour. They want him dead.
27 minutes: They evade the canoes in pursuit.
28 minutes: Bo ends up in the water. He can’t swim. They pass by a small house on the river.
32 minutes: The occupant, Ronje (Marie Mondrup) offers pancakes and a place to dry off.
35 minutes: The three adults share a bed. Casper makes out with Ronje. Then he asks Frank to join in. He reluctant does so, sticking a finger up – well, I’m not sure I want to say. We are in ‘18’ territory.
40 minutes: Ronje claims she was taken advantage of and asks the three of them to leave.
41 minutes: Man, I need to make a whistle stop and a smoke.
Whenever: What did I miss? They end up at a fairground. Casper photographs Bo’s Johnson (maybe it is Bo’s Svenson). Frank and Casper attempt to go to an orgy only Frank isn’t admitted, by a man at his Book Club. (He’ll take the Beak Tweak now, dude, please.) Bo disappears. Frank is like out of it. Mia and Iben turn up. Bo is in hospital. Iben and Mia meet Ronje, who found the kid. Bo can explain. They bust him out of hospital. Then they hook up with the students and try to drink their way to 288 bottle tops. Only the company doesn’t have a car to give to young Bo. Then Frank pulls a gun.
Man, this classification report writing is hard!
In the epilogue, we see the taboo photograph and it’s here the film pushes the bounds of an ‘18’. Is this stuff for paedophiles? Where’s the line, man? What has Mikkel Nørgaard directed previously? You got any more potato chips?
Reviewed at the Horse Hospital, Wednesday 20 November 2013, 20:00 screening. With thanks to Billy Chainsaw
