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First of all, I really don't know what to write about. I don't know where to start and I feel so empty right now. I have no idea on what to bring up here but for the sake of submitting a new content and letting out my feelings at the same time, I will write this blog in the form of a diary. The last time I wrote a diary was when our high school teacher before told us to. And now, I'm writing this again.
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*Have you tried writing a diary before?
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Alright, where should I start? Should I write about my ESL (English as Second Language) experiences? About how to write a good blog? About how to have the hip clothes in town? About my life? Never mind. You won't find my life entertaining. I thought about the other blog topics but I'm not in the mood to talk about them either. What do I want to write in this blog? Maybe just my feelings and thoughts as of this moment.
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You can call me emotional but okay, it's up for you to leave if you don't want to finish reading this blog. You might find this insignificant but I guess I won't mind at all. If you find this relatable, then good.
Once again, you don't need to finish this.
Just earlier yesterday (August 16, 2016), I prepared a lot for a job interview online. I was a bit confident since I hadn't been declined yet from any job application I had before. My first job application was a success while the second one was a total failure not because I was deemed insufficient or incompetent for the job but because I lacked the necessary devices needed for it. So earlier yesterday was my third job application (I resigned from my previous job which I had applied for the first time). They asked me to conduct the so-called "demo class" and after that was the job interview. The interviewer asked me with questions like, "Tell me something about yourself.", "Why are you choosing our company?", "Do you have questions about our company?", and the rest. I thought I had answered them all correctly because I thought they were fine but I was wrong. Later on that day (in the afternoon), they sent me a message on their company smartphone application telling me that I failed.
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I read the text and got shocked. I was hoping to get the job even though I don't have that much confidence that I could get it. I didn't expect for the best result but why did I still feel the hurt when I heard it? I asked myself if I was incompetent this time. Where did I possibly go wrong? I think I did the demo class well. Maybe I got caught up by the interview portion. Maybe those questions had hidden meanings and I couldn't decipher them well. Wasn't I able to answer them correctly? The employer must have had the ideal answers prepared and I just couldn't meet them. Was I too dumb not to notice it? If I had only known the meaning to the answers. If I was just quick enough. Why didn't I?
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It could be because it was my first time to encounter these interview questions. But regardless of that, there's Google. Why did I allow myself to be naive of these interview questions? Everything was new to me and I feel sorry for myself.
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One thing that got me into the realization that the job I applied for is one of the best is that unlike its other 'teaching' job competitors, it only uses your smartphone when doing it which is very good for me due to the fact that our PC (Personal Computer) got out of order for it has already been worn out after how many years of using it. Now that the employer had rejected me, I have to buy my own laptop and pay for the upgrade of our internet speed to be able to find other jobs. All I know now is that I have to work as twice as harder on bitLanders. I don't know. BitLanders will be my only means of upgrading the internet and purchasing the laptop.
I studied the answers to the questions later that night. I even studied very hard to the point of not sleeping until dawn. I couldn't sleep.
*Same condition with you bro!
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*She is just like me last night.
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Just this morning this day, I woke up very early and still couldn't forget what happened. I thought on a lot of things then suddenly many of my past experiences recoiled on my mind. There were many instances where I got rejected over this and that. And then I thought, "Am I always a failure? What's wrong with me?". I thought I'm done with the hurt brought about by rejection because I've experienced it for countless times but why does it still hurt?. At that time, things really clogged up and I felt being on the possible verge of losing my sanity. I couldn't take all the seemingly endless worries that I've felt and I tried to control them in as much as I don't want my sanity be lost. I made an effort to relax my body as I was lying on the bed and told myself that I must not give in and must not think about these problems for now. But still they keep coming. So what I did was I inhaled and exhaled and vice versa and massaged my face and head especially the forehead. Five minutes after, I felt relieved from my worries and was able to bring myself back on track. Anxiety level reduced.
BitLanders friends, I can do things well right? Just with your support, I'd feel inner peace and the courage.
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*The Climb by Miley Cyrus
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